There are a lot of really good Sailor Moon fanfics out there. Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of really bad ones, too. A rant on bad writing not withstanding (Why are you all looking at me like that? I'm not going to rant? Okay? OKAY!?!?! No, you can come back now, really you can ^_^;) there seems to be an uncanny similarity between some of these fanfics- you'd almost think they were using all the same plot devices. Wow, maybe they are. But why waste all that time and space redoing the same old plot points in a million different badly-written fanfics when you can put them into one? Be environmentally friendly! Recycle your fanfics! This is my attempt at just that. Now, before anyone flames me or starts chucking large volumes of the better fanfics in my general direction, I am most emphatically not stating that any fanfic using any of the conventions I've used here is trash. There are a number of very GOOD fanfics that bring back Jedite, introduce a Sailor Earth, or give us an alternate interpretation of the Inner Senshi's sexuality. (Okay, maybe I've only read one fanfic to date on that last one that had me convinced) Don't make me name them, it would take too long. But, you must admit that there are a phenomenal amount of really, really bad fanfics out there that bring back Jedite, re-end SMR, and kill off all the main characters. Not necessarily in that order. This is my antidote to those stories. In some places, I've gone a bit off-track from the original stereotype, or altered it to fit my own twisted plot needs. Who am I kidding, there is no plot. It doesn't make sense, and it's not really supposed to. Enjoy! And yes, the name mis-spellings are all intentional. SAILOR MOON KNUWY (An environmentally-friendly fanfic- 98.2% recycled plot!) By Elisabeth Hegerat It was a normal day at the Tsukino residence. And then Serena woke up. And it was still a normal day. You know the sort, fairly mundane, not much happening... "Ahhhh, I'm gonna be late for school!" She tore down the stairs and grabbed her lunch on the way out the door in a scene so familiar as to raise suspiscions that it was stock footage. "It's Saturday, you moron!" yelled Sammy from in front of the TV, where he was religiously watching a certain anime featuring girls in fukus saving the world. "You do this EVERY Saturday! Every single weekend! Sometimes twice, especially in fanfics where the author can't keep the day of the week straight!" "Oh, children!" their mother caroled brightly, popping out of the kitchen. "I've made you both pancakes. It was my joy and delight to do so, seeing as I don't seem to have a life or much of a personality." Her brow furrowed. "In fact, I'm not sure of my name. But come have some lovely hot pancakes anyhow!" "I can't," Sireena said, having just been standing in the doorway shifting impatiently from foot to foot. "I'm... I'm supposed to be at the Temple! I have to go to Rei's for a Sail- um... to study! Yeahhhh, that's it! "Why you ungrateful child!" Her mother dinged her sharply over the head with her spatula. "I was up at five am slaving over a hot stove-" "Pancakes? Oh, you made pancakes!" Serena exclaimed in joy. "I must not have heard you mention them the first AND second time!" She promptly crammed three pancakes into her mouth, and washed them down with a gulp of syrup. "Byyyyye!" She ran out the door, pigtails streaming behind her and miraculously not getting caught in said door as it slammed shut. "You are so late!" Ray said indignantly as Serrena dashed up the temple steps, tripped on her hair, and landed in a crumpled heap at her feet. "Waaaaaaaah! I hurt my knee!" "Do you want me to kiss it better?" Rey said sarcastically. "Reiiiiii!" she bawled. "You're always so mean! And besides, this isn't THAT sort of story!" Ray sweatdropped profusely, and fell over from the sheer weight of the sweatdrop. "This is serious," Amy said, tapping away busily on her computer. "It's always serious!" Serena wailed. "Look, I have a boo-boo! That's very serious!" "What's wrong?" Tuxedo Mask appeared suddenly. "Muffin, why are you dressed up like that? And me not even transformed!" "I heard you wail, and I thought you just might happen to be in danger. And don't call me muffin. I'm not a crumpet OR a teacake." "Would you like some toast?" Lita said brightly, bringing out a tray of assorted breakfast foods and bread products. "Nothing bready at all!" Darian said firmly. "Don't you remember, Serina? I don't want to have anything to do with you, other than saving your life when it just happens to be in danger." "That's it!" she announced, and marched across the street. The rest of the Senshi trailed along after her, with Darien following behind. "What are you doing?" Ami said anxiously, as Sereena climbed onto the railing of a nearby bridge. Of course, she had crossed halfway across that bridge when she came to it. "I can't live without you any longer!" she announced desperately. "Why, Serena, I never knew you felt that way," Amy blushed. "But I-" "Not you!" she said impatiently. "My muffin over there!" "Don't call me that," Mamor- Derien sighed with the air of one who has long since given up, but must protest for form's sake. "Goodbye, cruel world," she announced, and cannon-balled off the bridge. "Do we have to go through a cliched scene in a hospital emergency room now?" Leeta sighed. "I really hate those." "Somehow, I don't think so," Ray smirked. "Oh, well," Darian said loudly. "I guess I'll just have to marry Ray now." "No way!" Rei said indignantly. "I don't want Reenie as MY child!" "Waaahhhhhhh!" A very familiar voice rose from below. The Scouts peered over the railing of the ornamental footbridge. Two feet below them, Serena was sitting in a foot of water, with a streamer of pond weed draped ornamentally over one ear. "He can't!" Serena bawled. "You can't do that!" Reenie announced, appearing out of nowhere. Er. Not literally, that is. It was a figurative sort of appearing, the kind where a character is suddenly in a scene where they hadn't been before. She could very well have stepped out of thin air, if it wasn't thick instead, that is. But in this case, it was simply poor planning on the author's part, which earned a chorus of grumblings from the characters about lack of plot. "How does she DO that?" Meena shook her head in amazement. "She wasn't here a minute ago!" "That's not the point!" Rini stamped one diminutive foot, glaring an evil red-eyed glare all around. "I don't want the pyro over there for my mom! It'll be too hard to win my Mamo-chan- er HIM away from her, not like with the meatball head down there!" The Scouts all sweatdropped. Darein turned a particularly unbecoming shade of green. "Only Mamo-ch- my muffin's allowed to call me that!" Serina snapped, rising from the scummy water like a Senshi turned swamp monster. "I am not a bakery product!" he snapped back. "He has pretty nice buns for all that," Lida said brightly. "Mmm-hmm!" Mina agreed. Darien changed color from green to red. "You leave my muffin out of this!" she cried. "For the last time-" he started in exasperation. It was at that moment that a large, flying sausage swooped out of the sky, scooped up Darien, and carried him away. "You come back here!" Serena shrieked to the now-empty skies. (Empty discounting clouds, birds, satellites, incoming meteors, and the ilk, of course.) "He was just carried away by a large, flying sausage," Amie pointed out, when she could speak around the many sweatdrops crowding the screen. "Don't you find that a bit odd?" "He was kidnapped while I ws trying to talk to him!" she said indignantly. "By a suddenly-appearing flying SAUSAGE! I think someone needs to give The Author a good talking to!" Serena hefted the Moon Sceptre menacingly, despite the fact that she wasn't transformed. Serena suddenly found herself unable to give The Author a "talking-to" and completely forgot about the idea, especially if it involved the repeated application of the Moon Sceptre, Cutey Moon Rod, Cresent Moon Wand, Moon Stick, Staff, Scope, or any variation thereof and thereby, up to and including Bic pens with odd powers to the author's thick skull. "What was I saying?" she said vaguely. (The Author crossed her fingers, and desperately hoped that Serena would never remember the incident, especially not after becoming Neo-Queen Serenity. The Author then uncrossed her fingers, because it was making it hard to type, and typing with her toes would involve leaning sideways out of the chair and possibly falling over) "Look!" Luna pointed upwards with one paw. "It's a large crystal falling out of the sky! It just might be some mysterious new threat!" "Oh, no, no-one's trying to change the subject," Rei muttered, voice laden with sarcasm. "Now, Luna Ball! While they're distracted! Luna Sphere I need a key!" Renie, in a display of strength astounding in a small child, shoved all the Scouts into a handy closet, and locked the door with the key provided by her Luna-P. "Now I can go after my Mam- Darien and rescue him, and have him all to myself!" She hugged her disembodied floating cat's head while chortling with glee. Gagging sounds came from within the closet. The crystal landed, predictably, in front of Rini, and cracked, swinging open like the refrigerator door, and emitting the same sort of eerie light. Jedite stumbled out of the crystal, his eyes alight with the madness of... someone who has been locked inside a crystal for a very long time. Before anything else, it must first be explained that some types of crystals have the unusual property of picking up satellite signals, and other wavelengths. What kind of crystals, you may ask? The kind Beryl used to shut up people who had failed her, or were just plain annoying. So don't go looking for them at your local hardware store. Anyhow, Jedite had spent the past year or so with nothing but "Oprah Winfrey" and re-runs of "Full House" to keep him company. No wonder he's verging on insanity. His eyes lit on Sailor Chibi-Moon. (she must have transformed when no-one was looking) "DIIIIIEEEEE!" he shrieked, and immediately began to strangle her. Of course, falling out of the sky in a large crystal is not conducive to your general health. At this point, Jedite's vision was a little blurry, and he was in fact seeing TWO Chibi-Moon's. "It's a Sailor Senshi, but it's the Olsen twins, it's too sweet, too sweet pink AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" he babbled insanely, while throttling the pink menace. "Minna! Henshin!" Luna said, perched high up on the roof to avoid any sort of possible conflict. She then rolled over and went back to sleep beside Artemis. From within the closet came... "Mercury Power!" "Mars Power!" "Jupiter Power!" "Venus Power!" "Moon Power!" "Hey, Serena, you got the words wrong, you dolt! We're not IN a crappy commercial!" "Wahhhhhhhhhh! Why are you always so mean to me, Rei?" "Would you shut up and transform anyhow?" "But we're still stuck in a closet! How's that going to help anyhow- Ow! Okay, okay, Moon Prism Crystal Star Eternal Everlasting Energizer I-Love-Fluffy-Bunnies Power!" "Show-off." Jedite had ignored all the commotion. He was happily observing the pretty shade of blue that Reenie's face had turned. It was infinitely preferable to pink. "Hold it right there!" "Who's there?" Jedite said automatically. "We are..." "The Knights who say Ni! Ni!" "No, no, wrong series entirely," came another, muttered voice. "Oh, yeah. Right. We are..." "The Sailor Scouts, the Next Generation! Sailor Lunarium!" "Sailor Quicksilver!" "Sailor Zinc!" "Sailor Sulphur!" "Sailor Tin!" "Sailor Spike!" "Hey, wait a sec!" cries an anonymous voice from the audience. "Those are just the Inner Daemon Senshi from FSC, in different-colored uniforms and those funny glasses with mustaches! And Sailor Spike is a hedgehog in a pink fuku!" "Oh, yeah. Right. They must have slipped in when that conveniet flying sausage did," the author said, batting ineffectually at the large sweat-drop hovering behind her head. The Daemon-in-a-Box Senshi were quickly banished back to their own plotline. Sailor Spike wandered off, having a very short attention span, even for a hedgehog. "Hold it right there!" came another voice. "Who's there?" Jedite repeated, sounding a wee bit peeved. "I am... Sailor Molly!" Molly stepped forward. She was indeed fuku-clad, but it was painfully obvious that all she had done was hem up the skirt of her school uniform to an indecent length. She WAS wearing boots, even if they WERE galoshes. And her tiara was made of tinfoil. "If a Negaverse general gets to come back, it should be Nephlyte," she proclaims boldly. "For that I will not forgive you!" (Jedite looks confused) "Chocolate Parfait... SUGAR ATTACK!" Jedite dodges a large scoop of ice cream. Sailor Molly collapses, her attack having drained all her energy. "Not... again!" she gasps, slumping to the ground. Jedite resumes throttling Sailor Chibi-Moon. "Hey! Hold it right there!" "Is it just me, or is this getting awfully tedious?" Jedite mumbled under his breath. Needing some more energy to deal with this new threat, Jedite casually reached down, and drained Molly's energy again. "All right, already! Who's there?" "We are... Sailor Sun!" "And Sailor Earth!" The figure that stepped forward looked much like... a younger version of Darien. In drag. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" said Jedite and Reenie. ("Aaaaaaaaaah!" said the readers.) Suddenly, Sailor Pluto appeared. She also bore more than a faint resemblance to Sailor Earth. "Nooooo!" came Serena's cry from within the closet. Apparently, she had heard the voice-over. "Darien! How COULD you!?!" "How could he what?" Pluto asked the closet. "Have..." Serena gulped, beginning to wail "... a child... with another woman!" "Do you mind, Serena? You're getting us all soggy!" Ray snapped, also from inside the closet. "What do you mean, have a child with ANOTHER woman?" Lida asked suspiciously. It can be assumed that she is also looking suspiciously in Serena's general direction, but since the Sailor Scouts are locked inside a dark closet, it's pretty hard to tell for sure. "Serena, have you and Darien-" "Lida!" Ami exclaimed in horror. "Of course they haven't!" "How do YOU know?" Mina jumped in. But not literally, due to the close quarters. "I read it on alt.fan.sailor-moon," Ami said virtuously. "Since we're not in the manga, there's no question about it!" "I just meant someday, even though my future child IS hideously cute, and probably mutated from Cosmic Moon radiation from the Crescent Moon Wand, but now him and Pluto are going to go and-" "No!" Pluto exclaimed violently. "THAT," (she pointed at Sailor Earth) "is NOT my child!" "Then why does it look like you?" Serena wailed, taking the author's word on the matter. The closet began to leak at the seams. "Don't tell me you and Darien actually ARE the same pers- Never mind." (The Author hastily de-railed that train of thought before she could be beaten savagely with the original Big Ass Key, or drawn into a debate on whether or not Darien has any leg-hair) Sailor Pluto, who was beginning to look quite cross at the drift of conversation, immediately decided (for no apparent reason) to finish what she came for, and leave without injuring the Author in any way, shape or form. She turned to Sailor Earth, and hit her...er, him over the head with her Big Ass Key. Sailor Earth promptly disappears. "A cloning experiment, gone terribly wrong," Sailor Pluto said sadly, and then also disappeared. No explanation was given. "Hey!" Sailor Sun said indignantly. "What about me?" Sailor Sun stepped forward into the light. Jedite gasped. Reenie gasped. Molly, who had regained consciousness, also gasped. Inside the closet, the Sailor Scouts gasped. Being inside a closet, they had no idea what's going on, but felt left out and decide to join in anyhow. "Yes, I am Sailor Sun." Melvin announced boldly. "How COULD you?" Molly shrieked. "Oh, no! Molly's in danger!" said a familiar, but long-unheard voice. "Nephlyte!" Molly gasped. Nephlyte appeared in a cloud of sprinkles. Yes, not sparkles, but SPRINKLES, the kind you put on iced cakes. "I've come to take you away from all this, Molly," he said, very seriously. "Oh, Nephlyte!" she said, dragging herself up off the ground, as she iwa still feeling rather weak. She gazed up at him adoringly, and then her brow furrowed in perplexion. "But why are you dressed in an apron and a silly hat?" "I... am a baker, now, Molly," he said. "I couldn't come back for you before now, because I was still setting up my shop, but now..." "Oh, Nephlyte," she said, falling into his floury arms. She swiped at his powdery sleeves, de-flouring him in the process. "Let's go have a chocolate parfait..." Molly and Nephlyte disappeared in a cloud of granulated sugar. "Hey!" came an irate shriek. "Get back here with my fuku!" One very cross young woman stormed onto the screen, wrapped in a large towel. "Try to take a bath," she muttered angrily to herself, "and some creep runs off with your clothes..." "Heh, heh," Melvin said nervously, a large sweatdrop adhering itself to his head as he edged away, clutching his borrowed fuku. Suddenly, Darien fell from the sky. "Terribly sorry, I've kidnapped the wrong character," the large, flying sausage (which may or may not also be a squid and/or an effigy to Cthulhu) said, blushing. "Darien!" Serena shrieked, from inside the closet. "Where am I?" he said, dazed. "Who am I? Who are you?' he addressed the closet. "Nooooooo! Don't tell me you've forgotten me again!" Serena wailed. Under the supersonic vibrations from her shriek, the wood of the closet split into its component atoms. BOOM. Singed, and slightly worse for the wear, the Sailor Scouts stumbled out of the rather cramped former closet. Er. That is, the Sailor Scouts were cramped from being crammed into the closet. The closet, we assume, or what is left of it, is not suffering from cramps itself. "I have something to confess," Lita said suddenly, very dramatically. "I'm coming out of the closet!" "You're already out. So are the rest of us. In fact, seeing as the closet is now a small heap of smoldering ash, it would be extremely unfortunate if you WERE still in the closet," Ami pointed out logically. "No," Lita said, pressing a hand to her forehead. "I must confess. Ray, I'm madly in love with you. I want to bear your children." "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lida," Rei said solemnly. "But I've decided to become a nun." "But Rei," Mina said, her forehead furrowing in confusion. "You're not Catholic. You're a Shinto priestess." "They can't deny me my nun-ly status!" Rei cried in outrage. "That's religious discrimination!" Her eyes filled with a fury that heralded someone getting scorched, or at least severely toasted. She took a deep breath. "Mars Charblackened Marshmallow FLUFF!" A nearby tree was coated in a gooey, flaming mess of refined sugar. "HEY! What about me, guys?" Serena wailed, clinging desperately to Darien. "Tragically, my boyfriend has lost all memory of me! Don't I deserve a little sympathy?" "But this is the third time this week," Ami said, pulling out a small calendar, and making a mark. "There. That makes four. Two more, and you owe me, Lita." "Never mind her, what about us?" cried Jedite, Reenie (still arrested in the tableaux of strangler and strangl-ee), Melvin, trying to sneak away in his purloined fuku, and the young woman in the towel. She stalked up to Melvin, hit him in the head with a large sundial she just happened to be carrying, and reclaimed her fuku. (Of course, she left the towel, for modesty's sake... forget modesty, for the sake of the readers!) "I am Sailor Sun!" she announced boldly, adjusting her fluorescent-yellow skirt. "Gasp! You're... you're..." "I am... Darienetta!" "My long-lost sister," Darien said, restraining another gasp. "But shouldn't you be Sailor EARTH? Never mind that strange clone-person, which I seem to know about even though I was kidnapped by a flying sausage, er, squid, er... not present at the time," he finished lamely. "No," she said solemnly. "Darien, YOU are Sailor Earth." "I'm WHAT?" "He's WHAT?!" Serena shrieked, hands on her hips. She glared up at The Author, hefting the Moon Scepter meaningfully. The Author frantically wondered what had gone wrong with her earlier attempt to make sure nothing of the sort ever happened. "I seem to have changed my mind," Darienetta said, looking absolutely baffled. "The real Sailor Earth is... our OTHER long-lost sister! However, she seems to still be lost, so I guess I'll go find her now..." she wandered away, peering behind trees and under rocks. "Darienetta Two? Where are yoooou? Sailor Earth? Hello?" "Has anyone seen Molly?" Melvin said in his annoyingly nasal voice, appearing from out of the bushes, dressed in a long, pink, frilly ball gown. "She went away with Nephlyte, didn't you hear?" Amy said, blinking in concern. "My own true love!" Melvin wept, falling to his knees and pounding the ground with his fists, oblivious to the damage done to his lovely dress. "Did you lend her your laptop?" Ami frowned, looking more worried. "No! They're gone, both gone! Oh, my love! You have forsaken me!" "I'm sure you'll find another girl," Serina lied bravely through her teeth. "Oh, Nephlyte, I've lost you twice!" he wept. "WHAT?" chorused every single other character present, and some that weren't. "It was the closest I could get to him, after he died, to Molly, he loved her instead of me, that one night was just a fling for him." "We really, really, really, really, really don't need to know," Lita said firmly. "Really." "My life is over!" wept Melvin. He whipped out a spicy shrimp o' doom, and decapitated himself. "Oh," said the Scouts. Admittedly, there was a note of relief in their "oh". (Suddenly, a vague muttering is heard from on high, off-screen, in the realm of The Author. "How many glasses of iced tea have you had (no, not that way, Jaclyn no hentai) anyways?" "Ooooooh, I didn't counnnnt, why are you trying to drag me awaaayyy from the keyboarrrrrd, I'm FINE!" "You might want to move the other fanfics away from this one..." "Why?" "Uncontrollable crossovers." (There is a sound of a third party snickering uncontrollably, and the murmurs of The Author verrry carefully explaining the term "crossover" in relation to "fanfic" and how it has nothing to do with THAT, thank-you very much!) "Say whaaaaa?" "Well, you mentioned Sailor Earth... it sets up a whatchamacallit, a resonance... That bit with Melvin and Nephlyte destroyed any attempt at continuity, and started it fraying") Suddenly, once again, in the same moment of sudden as the suddenly before, which all took place out of the timeline of the story, what could be laughingly called the continuity of the story rips. A large jagged hole appears, with the sound of tearing paper. Through the hole that jags, peer several fuku-clad young girls, and a young man or two, who mercifully, are NOT fuku-clad. Er. Well most of them. We'll just not look too closely, shall we? "What was that about a Sailor Earth?" one of them says ominously. "Who's there?" Jedite rolls his eyes in the manner of one who's verging on giving up on this whole story entirely, and is vastly surprised that the Author hasn't come to her senses and done the same already. "I am... the ORIGINAL Sailor Earth!" "Hey, wait, you can't be Sailor Earth, *I'm* Sailor Earth! " "No, I am, and the name's Sailor TERRA!" "But I'm Sailor Earth, too!" "Well, if Darienetta Two can't be Sailor Earth, who CAN she be?" the thwarted Author says indignantly. "Um, Sailor Green-growing-things?" "Sailor... uh, no, Sailor Dirt would NOT work... Sailor Soil?"" "Sailor PYLON!" "Forget it, Jacquie!" "Hey, there's an opening for Sailor Macaroni 'n Cheese!" "No way!" "Well, what about Sailor...um..." The current speaker stares around, searching for inspiration "Sailor BIC?" She holds up a pen feebly. It is NOT your standard transformation pen that would be exceedingly hard to write with, due to the weight of the planet-symbol atop, but a much-gnawed ballpoint pen. "Now THAT'S lame!" "Arggh!" shrieks The Author. "Back, back I say!" A large bulldozer suddenly rumbles up the steps of the temple, driven by a penguin. Why a penguin? Because continuity is falling apart at the seams, and damnit, The Author's sewing skills are laughable. Besides, penguins are highly underestimated, and sorely neglected. Penguins aside, the multiple Sailor Earths are quickly bull-dozed into their own respective continuities, and the rip is equally-quickly sealed by a young woman bearing a roll of duct tape. "It fixes EVERYTHING!" she says solemnly, and exits the story as inexplicably as she's come. "Ahem," Jadite said meaningfully, gesturing towards the still-gasping Reenie held firmly in his grip. With a wave of one of his hands, which was accomplished with no little amount of difficulty, as he struggled to keep from dropping Reenie on her head, he summoned up a large herd of youma. "Oh, yeah, we're supposed to fight now, aren't we?" Sailor Moon said, with the air of one experiencing a profound revelation. To Be Continued... Will Sailor Moon defeat the herd of youma? Will the rest of the Senshi get power-ups, too? Will a mysterious new exchange student who bears a striking resemblace to the author appear? When will the author run out of cliches? When will the author run out of caffiene? All this, possibly, maybe, sort of, kind of, whenever Part Two gets posted. When will that be? Um... eventually. I refuse to commit to an actual date. All comments most gladly accepted at emhegera@acs.ucalgary.ca including those involving the suggested removal of the author from the vicinity of the keyboard in a straitjacket. Please do not post elsewhere without asking first. Many thanks to Joan, Nightman, Jetwolf, and everyone else who put up with my insane babbling, and contributed ideas. Special thanks to Jetwolf, for the title suggestion (According to Levar Bouyer's fanfic review page, K, N, U, W, and Y are the only letters not used to name a fanfic series) http://www.acs.ucalgary/~emhegera/notebook/notebook.html